Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Pictures:

Monday

Today was a sad day to go to work. After having four wonderful days off it was back to the grind of work. Luckily I only have 14 more days until Christmas break. Alyssa was also sick this morning and so Chris had to take her to the doctor who confirmed that she has another ear infection. This is her third ear infection in four months. I think she is taking after her Uncle Michael. We knew this ear infection was coming when yesterday she was such a CRAB all day and then did not sleep well at all last night.

I have to admit I had some pangs of jealously when I went to pick up her 3 (yes you read that right) prescriptions after work. The lady in front of me had a baby that had just turned two and was picking up her FIRST prescription ever. I thought boy is that lady lucky.

Then I came home and we had dinner, then Alyssa decided that she was going to be happy and Chris and I had so much fun with her for an hour before she went to bed. I will leave you with some pictures

Good Times

Today was a much better day that I expected it to be. I am so lucky to have such an amazing daughter. She was so good today. She sat at the table for close to two hours eating everything from crackers, to mashed potatoes, stuffing, and even some turkey. She then had whipped cream for dessert.

She made everyone smile and they were amazed at how well she played in the small space she was allowed. Her older cousin Justin was a great babysitter while I was able to just sit on the couch and watch. She smiled and played with her Godmother Amy and showed everyone how she can dance and babble.

She had not taken more than a 30 min nap all day so at 5 we started to have a melt down, and Chris and I headed out. She was asleep in the car before we got out of the neighborhood. We got her home and laid her down in her crib thinking she would sleep for about another hour then get up. Well she has been asleep for over 2 hours now. I'm worried she is going to sleep until 10 and then want to get up and eat and play. I guess Chris and I are going to have to draw straws on who has to get up early with her tomorrow!

I hope your Thanksgiving was more wonderful than you thought it could be as well.

Thankful

Today I made my students write what they were thankful for. Since they are first graders it was pretty simple and straight forward, mom, dad, friends and no school.

As the students were writing I was thinking about what I'm thankful for. I think the thing I am most great full for is my close family and friends. The first time it really hit me about how much our family and friends cared about us was at Alyssa's baptism in June as I stood up there in front of the church and saw that our family and friends took up one whole section it made my heart swell with joy.

The second time it hit me was when I found out about the miscarriage. Not even all friends and family know about it but the ones that did helped and stepped in with open arms.

As I sit and reflect over the last year of my life I have had the happiest moments and some of the saddest. Every day and I look at Alyssa and my heart grows bigger. I think about how lucky I am and how awesome God is.

I heard a quote the other day and every time I get upset I think about and has helped me get through many days so I thought I would end with that quote.

" In the end everything will be okay, if its not okay it isn't the end"

Emotions

(This is a picture I took hoping to share with my family when we told but will never share that way!)

This has been a hard weekend but a fun one all at the same time. I thought I was getting better and over is the wrong word, but moving forward until this weekend.

It started Friday morning when I woke up and knew that I should have been 10 weeks. About the time with Alyssa that I started wearing maternity pants.

Then on Saturday Chris and I went out shopping, while out we stopped by a store to get a keepsake box to put the ultrasound and cards we got while I was pregnant. The lady that was trying to help asked two times what the occasion was. I tried to avoid it the first time but the second time she asked I said "Well it is for the baby that we lost". It shut her up and she left us alone. As I said it I felt the tears start to form and I really just wanted to leave the store. But I powered through and I'm glad I did because the box is beautiful.

Today I had to go run some errands. I went to Sears to buy some new pants because all my old pants are two sizes two big, but as I'm shopping for these pants I realize that it is right next to the maternity section (who knew Sears had a maternity section!! And why did two women have to be shopping in it while I was there!) I was excited to be buying small pants but that kick in the gut hit me that really I should have been in that section.

I then had to go pick up the keep sake box and BOTH women at the store were pregnant. Another kick in the gut as I'm picking up a box to put things in for a baby I will never meet.

After that I left the mall and went to Target where I think it was pregnant woman shopping hour.

The only place I did not see pregnant women everywhere was Walgreens, but that could have been because I was only in the store 3 minutes.

I'm sure that Godfrey is not on a pregnant women overload and that I just never noticed them before, but boy it is a kick in the gut and hard.

The next thing that will be hard is Thanksgiving. We were supposed to tell Chris's family at Thanksgiving and every time I open Alyssa's closet I see the shirt she was going to wear.

I am hoping after Thanksgiving I can move forward a little faster.

Christmas is something I have been looking forward to since Alyssa was born and I'm not going to let the miscarriage change that.

Then it will be the new year and time for new beginnings and hopefully a new baby before 2010 ends.

Empty

As I sit her pumping milk that I have to throw away because of my surgery today it makes me so sad.

I have asked myself 100 times why did this happen. I know the statistics and that 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way and I know deep down and in my heart that there was nothing I could have done to keep the baby I still wonder why. I mean we weren't even trying for a baby, when we found out we were pregnant it was scary and a shock. In fact at one point I even made the comment that things would be easier if I wasn't pregnant right now.

Now I think back on that comment and want to cry. Because now that I'm not pregnant I miss it more than anything. I would take the added stress of finances just to know that I would be a mommy again in June.

There is a huge part of me that wants to jump back up on the horse and try again as soon as the doctor says it is okay. There is another part of me that is scared out of my mind to get pregnant again. Then there is the third part that says, just wait awhile and go back to your plan of trying this summer.

Right now we are leaving our options open and said we would talk about it after my next doctor's appointment.

All I know right now is I don't like the empty feeling I have inside.

Numb

Well we went back to the doctor today. As the ultrasound tech took us back she asked "How are you doing?" I said "Well I guess I could be better". As she started I knew right away that the heart had stopped. She didn't talk to us at all this time during the ultrasound and it was very fast. She did two measurements and the baby was 2 days smaller than what it was on Friday. She also checked twice for a heart beat and there was none.

She asked if there was measurement issues last time, and I said, yes we were there for a conformation to a miscarriage and she said, so I guess you know that there was no heart beat. I said yes and started to cry. She left and we had to go back to the waiting room. That was SOO hard to sit there waiting for the doctor, I think the tech felt bad and got us quickly and took us to an exam room.

On my chart she wrote that we knew that there was no heart beat. The wait for the doctor seemed to take forever.

He confirmed everything and I will have a D&C tomorrow. I will go back to work at noon on Friday because I have to have a meeting with my boss on Monday and do not have everything in order for that meeting. I think it is crap that I feel the pressure to go back but I guess in a way it will get my mind off the baby.

I am so thankful for my friends and family they have shown how much they love and support us through phone calls and conversations. I am also so thankful to have Alyssa, tonight she feel asleep while I was giving her, her breathing treatment. I held her for an extra half hour. She is an amazing baby and I know that someday she will make an amazing big sister, I guess for now she will just have to enjoy being an only child.

Can only go up from here right?

Today was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I know many in the blogging world don't know my whole story. I will fill you in on parts. I have been struggling with my job since the 6th week of school. Today was probably the worst in not the students but with administration. I really don't want to go into a lot of detail but I feel that threats were made that should not have been made.

Also I got some of the worst news I think I have ever gotten from a doctor today. No I'm not dieing but part of me is. I never knew what it was like to go through a miscarriage, and now that I do I don't ever want to feel it again. I hate the unknown, am I going to start bleeding? Will I need a D&C? How many days will I take off work?

So to sum up my feelings I am going to write two letters.

Dear Baby I will never meet,

Baby I loved you more than you will ever know. You were not planned and I was very scared when I found out about you, but I was very excited to met you. I bought your big sister a big sister shirt that she will not get to wear to tell all of the family that would love you.

I was so excited to see you last Friday on the ultrasound. You had made me so sick over the last few weeks that I knew you would be nice a strong and healthy. As soon as the ultrasound was turned on I could see your heart beating. I was so excited, but as the ultrasound went on I knew something was wrong. My fears were confirmed when they told me that you were measuring two weeks too small. The doctor told me that you still had a chance but he wanted blood work.

I was very optimistic all weekend, but today my fears were confirmed and they told me I was going to lose you. I am sad, and angry. How can you tell me your there, make me lose my milk supply and then just disappear? How can you show me your such a fighter by hanging on and then just give up?

I have heard so many women ask themselves did I do something wrong, and I know deep down that there was nothing I could do to save you, but at the same time I do have that nagging feeling of "What if I hadn't been so stressed?", and all the other what if's that go through you head.

Baby I love you and I can't wait to met you when I get to heaven, you will always have a place in my heart.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Alyssa,

You are now 9 months old. You are the light of your daddy's and my life. You are into EVERYTHING! There are times we comment that we miss our baby that doesn't move. You can crawl up the stairs, you can walk holding someones hands, you cruise furniture and are just amazing.

A few weeks ago you started swimming lessons. You love the water and can go under water. You are so good at kicking your legs and splashing. You are not as big of a fan of floating on your back but if you are anything like mommy someday you will love it.

At your 9 month check up you weighed 18.6 pounds and 28 and a half inches long. He also said that since your wheezing wasn't getting better we would start breathing treatments. Those are given 4 times a day, and you already (4 days later) sound SOOO much better. I am excited to see how much better you can get.

I am hoping you stay healthy for the next few weeks and that your smiles just keep melting my heart because I need all the love I can get from you.

Love,

Mommy