Can only go up from here right?

Today was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I know many in the blogging world don't know my whole story. I will fill you in on parts. I have been struggling with my job since the 6th week of school. Today was probably the worst in not the students but with administration. I really don't want to go into a lot of detail but I feel that threats were made that should not have been made.

Also I got some of the worst news I think I have ever gotten from a doctor today. No I'm not dieing but part of me is. I never knew what it was like to go through a miscarriage, and now that I do I don't ever want to feel it again. I hate the unknown, am I going to start bleeding? Will I need a D&C? How many days will I take off work?

So to sum up my feelings I am going to write two letters.

Dear Baby I will never meet,

Baby I loved you more than you will ever know. You were not planned and I was very scared when I found out about you, but I was very excited to met you. I bought your big sister a big sister shirt that she will not get to wear to tell all of the family that would love you.

I was so excited to see you last Friday on the ultrasound. You had made me so sick over the last few weeks that I knew you would be nice a strong and healthy. As soon as the ultrasound was turned on I could see your heart beating. I was so excited, but as the ultrasound went on I knew something was wrong. My fears were confirmed when they told me that you were measuring two weeks too small. The doctor told me that you still had a chance but he wanted blood work.

I was very optimistic all weekend, but today my fears were confirmed and they told me I was going to lose you. I am sad, and angry. How can you tell me your there, make me lose my milk supply and then just disappear? How can you show me your such a fighter by hanging on and then just give up?

I have heard so many women ask themselves did I do something wrong, and I know deep down that there was nothing I could do to save you, but at the same time I do have that nagging feeling of "What if I hadn't been so stressed?", and all the other what if's that go through you head.

Baby I love you and I can't wait to met you when I get to heaven, you will always have a place in my heart.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Alyssa,

You are now 9 months old. You are the light of your daddy's and my life. You are into EVERYTHING! There are times we comment that we miss our baby that doesn't move. You can crawl up the stairs, you can walk holding someones hands, you cruise furniture and are just amazing.

A few weeks ago you started swimming lessons. You love the water and can go under water. You are so good at kicking your legs and splashing. You are not as big of a fan of floating on your back but if you are anything like mommy someday you will love it.

At your 9 month check up you weighed 18.6 pounds and 28 and a half inches long. He also said that since your wheezing wasn't getting better we would start breathing treatments. Those are given 4 times a day, and you already (4 days later) sound SOOO much better. I am excited to see how much better you can get.

I am hoping you stay healthy for the next few weeks and that your smiles just keep melting my heart because I need all the love I can get from you.

Love,

Mommy