Empty

As I sit her pumping milk that I have to throw away because of my surgery today it makes me so sad.

I have asked myself 100 times why did this happen. I know the statistics and that 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way and I know deep down and in my heart that there was nothing I could have done to keep the baby I still wonder why. I mean we weren't even trying for a baby, when we found out we were pregnant it was scary and a shock. In fact at one point I even made the comment that things would be easier if I wasn't pregnant right now.

Now I think back on that comment and want to cry. Because now that I'm not pregnant I miss it more than anything. I would take the added stress of finances just to know that I would be a mommy again in June.

There is a huge part of me that wants to jump back up on the horse and try again as soon as the doctor says it is okay. There is another part of me that is scared out of my mind to get pregnant again. Then there is the third part that says, just wait awhile and go back to your plan of trying this summer.

Right now we are leaving our options open and said we would talk about it after my next doctor's appointment.

All I know right now is I don't like the empty feeling I have inside.