I'm a bad mom

When Alyssa was born her nails were super long.  In fact they where so long I filed her nails.  The next time her nails needed to be trimmed my mom was here and she cut them for me while I was feeding her.  Since then they have gotten really long and she has started to scratch herself again.  Today when  I picked her up from my mother in laws house she had a good scratch on her nose.  So I got up the courage to cut her nails.  I accidentally cut her skin on both hands! Now she has blood all over her outfit.  She didn't cry at first but then she started crying and I felt like such a bad mommy!

  That will be her third outfit change since I picked her up.  She poohed through two outfits before that!

On another note this Monday was a lot easier to leave her than last Monday, however, it was still hard.  I really did not want to leave her.  I can not wait for summer to get here!!

A party and a drive

Yesterday we had a party for my nephew and brother in law.  The weather was really yucky and so all 30 or so people were stuck in my in-laws house.  Alyssa did amazing.  Not only was she passed around from person to person it was loud.  She did great.  She was not that fussy at all.  She even fell asleep for about 30 min while the presents were being opened, she would have slept longer but I passed her off and the movement woke her up.

She came home and ate then passed out for the WHOLE NIGHT! She woke up at 3:30 for a diaper change, but then went right back to sleep.  When we woke up this morning there was snow!  It was Alyssa's first snow.  So we broke out the snowsuit that someone bought for her and took her out.  She wasn't too amused but I was excited. 

We then got ready to go meet my grandparents.  We also had to pick a car up so we took my father-in-law that way if Alyssa got upset there was someone to take care of her.  Though it was nice to drive with my husband, we could have done it by ourselves for once again Alyssa was perfect.  She slept the whole way there and then the whole way home!

Her great-grandparents were very excited to meet her and enjoyed looking at her and talking to her.  Alyssa seemed taken with them too.

So all in all a good weekend.  Hopefully next weeked won't be as busy and we can spend some family time on the couch.  

The work week is over

TGIF!  I am now done with my first week of work with a baby.  It was hard and I missed her like crazy but I feel good that I accomplished it.  It had its bumps, tears and yells from both Alyssa and I but we are both still here. Only 9 more weeks until summer break.  

I love leaving work to go pick her up.  Every night I have to choose.  I used to sit on the couch and watch TV and play on the computer.  Now there are nights where the computer or TV are not even turned on.  We enjoy listening to and singing songs, staring at each other and rocking in the rocking chair.

On another note she is getting good at putting herself to sleep.  Last night I put her down wide awake expecting her to scream while I went to the bathroom, instead she just laid there, I came out and about 30 min later she was asleep all on her own.  (though right now she is asleep in my arms and I do not plan on putting her down until Chris gets home with dinner.

So to all the moms out there that have to return to work, if I can do it so can you!

Vent

I did not sing up to be a single mother, but that is what I'm turning into.  My husband works an hour and a half from home, so he leaves at 5am.  a half hour before we get up.  Then the project he is working on, he won't say no to his boss and for that reason he is not getting home until after 7:30 at night.  On days like that he doesn't get to see his daughter at all.  That leaves me to get her ready in the morning, take her to daycare, pick her up, do the laundry, wash the bottles, pump enough milk for the next day, get dinner fixed, try to eat dinner while she is screaming because she is tired, give her a bath and put her to bed.  All while trying to stay sane.  

I don't think he understands how hard it is, and how I'm sacrificing my career because I can't stay late or go in early or even work at home when he isn't here.  He suggested I stay late at work.  Well if I stay late she will be at the babysitters over 9 hours a day.  I do not want to be that parent that is the first to drop off and the last to pick up.  The baby and the teachers notice that and I don't want to be "that" mom.

Maybe it was just a bad day at work and I will feel better tomorrow, but he better not come home with an attitude!

And to think 2 hours ago my post was going to be all about school. :-) maybe tomorrow.

Each day gets a little better

Okay well last nights post was written a little to early.  Last night SUCKED!! She was so tired from her day at Grandma's that she didn't just cry, but SCREAMED from 7:15 to after 9.  Finally she calmed down a little and finally about 9:30 she was able to fall asleep.  During the time of her crying Chris and I were taking 15 min shifts.  After each 15 min shift of mine I was coming down stairs and crying because I said, "If I hadn't gone to work she wouldn't be like this".  I called my mom after about an hour and she was able to calm me down some.

    Today was better both for me and her.  She woke up at 5 this morning and ate and got dressed.  She hung out with me and was pretty happy until 6:50.  I was able to put her to sleep before I left.  Unfortunately she woke up as soon as we got to her new daycare.  She is with a really nice lady who has a daughter of her own and also watches another 1 and 2 year old.  When I called at 1 she said that Alyssa had slept from 8:30-12:30.  Then when I went to pick her up she said that she had then slept from 1:40-3:40.  So that was really good.  I got Alyssa home and she is now asleep again.  It has been almost an hour that she is asleep.  I guess she is making up for not sleeping much yesterday.

Hopefully tonight goes better and I don't have to feel guilty about working.  Work has been going well.  My students were very happy to see me back yesterday.  They have been on their best behavior for the last two days.  (Well most of them) and I remember how much I love the end of the year when they act more like the next grade.  I think the students are also proud of themselves for what they are learning and doing.

So hopefully tomorrow goes even better.  I'm thinking about asking Grandma to bring her up to see me in the afternoon.

I made it!

If you had asked me at 5:30 this morning if I thought I would be able to make it through the day today I would have told you no.  But as I sit her at 5:30 this evening with a sleeping baby on my shoulder I can tell you I made it!

   Last night was hard.  I got everything laid out and ready to go so that I didn't rush or forget anything this morning.  Alyssa woke up at 1:30 to eat and went right back to sleep at 2:00.  At 3 she didn't wake up but was moving around a lot in her sleep which kept waking me up until 4 when she did wake up.  She woke up because of a dirty diaper not to eat, so she wasn't hungry until 5.  At 5 she ate and fell back asleep just in time for my alarm to go off.  

Since she was awake at 4:30 I just got her dressed for the day.  So by 6:30 I was ready to go and I didn't have to leave until 7.  She was still sleeping peacefully upstairs.  So I read.  At 7 I had butterflies in my stomach like it was the first day of school all over again.

  I was able to pack her up and get about 1/3 of the way to her daycare when the tears started.  I called Chris.  He told me things would be fine and we would get though it.  I cried the rest of the way.  I was able to pull myself together enough to get her dropped off.  I cried the next few min to work while texting Chris to tell him I did it.

Once I got to work it wasn't too bad since I had so much to do.  I promised I wouldn't call until 1.  At 1 on the dot I called.  She wasn't crying so that was a good thing.

At 3:50 on the dot I was in my car driving to pick her up.  I got there and she was sound asleep.  I had to wake her up to go.  

We got home at 4:30 she slept long enough for me to pump and get bottles ready for tomorrow.  Then I feed her and now she is asleep on my chest as I type this.  

I don't think I will put her down until I go to bed!!

We will see if I make it through the day tomorrow!

Tears

How many times can on cry in a day?  Well my answer is 3 so far and it is only 1.  The first set of tears came at 5:30 when I crawled back in bed with her and realized that 24 hours from then I would be getting up for work.  Chris woke up and gave me a tissue rolled over and went back to sleep.

The second time was when Chris was holding her and she was smiling and cooing for him and I realized I would miss my favorite part of the day with her.  It is in the morning right after she eats.  She is so happy and now the babysitters will get to see that.  

The third time was as she was falling asleep for her morning nap and I was looking at her thinking about how I don't want to miss these precious moments of watching her sleep. At this point Chris looks at me and says " You really do love her don't you?"  

And the fourth time is writing this post.  How can I leave my baby?  I know she will be fine.  I know she will be in good hands, but at the same time those hands aren't my own.  If I'm this emotional today I can only imagine what tomorrow holds!

On top of all that she has one of the worst cases of diaper rash.  Her poor butt is so red, she cries when we change her diaper.  

She also rolled over for the first time today.  She was laying on her stomach on the couch and  pushed herself over.  I put her back on her stomach and she did it again!  So I put her on the floor and she couldn't do it.  It just made me sad to know that I might be missing those first big moments!

     I will be okay, I will be okay.  That is what I will have to just tell myself over and over until this feeling of guilt passes.

Easter Baskets and More

Today I had to go to Target for some things for when Alyssa goes to daycare.  While I was there I wanted to get some books for her.  I spend at least 15 min looking at the different books.  Thinking about what she would like and what she could learn the most from.  Then I go to the movie section Pinohicco is now on sale.  Well Alyssa has to have that and since we have a blue ray player I have to get that edition.  

   I'm now off to find trash bags as I walk to the trash bags I walk past the Easter section.  I think to myself well I can put the movie and a book in her basket I will have to come back soon to get her a basket.  I find the trash bags and go to the baby section for diaper cream.  I decide that I will go get the basket now since the next few weekend will be busy.  So back across the store I go.  I find a cute basket, try out the movie and book in there, it is still too empty.  So do I look for a smaller basket?  No I buy some plastic colored eggs to go in there, some grass and then decide the perfect thing to finish it off is an outfit.  So back across the store I go.  I find a cute outfit and a cute dress for Easter day.  

Now I need a card.  So off to the card section I go I find one.  So I go to check out.  When the check out guy tells me my total I think, "oopps probably spent a little too much." So when I tell Chris I make sure to point out at least I didn't buy candy for the eggs!

So her first Easter will be adorable.  She will have a cute dress, and a wonderfully made basket.  Too bad she won't remember it.  The pictures will have to do.

The other nice thing about this age though is I bought it all with her in the cart sleeping peacefully!

6 weeks not enough time

When you hear six weeks, most people think WOW that is a long time.  That is what I thought seven weeks ago.  

  Six weeks ago today I gave birth to the most precious little girl.  I brought her home from the hospital still thinking that by week 6 I would be ready to go back to work.  Boy was I wrong.  As I sit here today with her sleeping next to me looking so Innocent and sweet I think how can I leave her?  I think about leaving her with the baby sitter.  Will they play with her like I do?  Will she have a good time?  Will they hold her and smile at her?  I know deep down the answer to all of these questions is yes, but there is another part of me that feels so guilty.  

    I worked in daycare for many years and I watched so many parents come in and have a hard time leaving their crying kid.  I would always tell them they will be okay just leave them.  Now I'm standing in those parents' shoes and I don't want to leave.  

   I am lucky in the fact that I only have to go back to work for 10 weeks and then I get summer vacation.  I also know that my "kids" at school have missed me and will have big smiles for me when I get back.  I also know that my co-workers are supportive and are ready for me to come back.  So why do I still have that pit in the bottom of my stomach? Why do I still have the tears rolling down my face?

It is amazing how a 6lb human can change my life forever.  

So that in summary is what my blog will be about.  It will be about my daily adventures with a child, while balancing a career as a teacher, a loving wife and devoted dog lover to my dog.  

  Can I do all of it without anyone feeling left out?  Stay tuned to find out!